Ask A Marauder
Our First Interview
This reporter has been able to use an old BBC set in which to initiate the first interview with the Marauders. Suck on that, Terry Wogan.
MT: Hello there.
MT: First off, I’m very excited to begin this series. I’m sure it means a lot to your fans.
James: Well, sure, fans. Anything for them.
Remus: We’re excited as well.
MT: First question. What is the origin of the title, “The Marauders”?
This reporter notes silence.
James: Oh, fuck. I don’t know. Wanna field this one, Pads?
Sirius: Haha, of course.
This reporter observes a glare from Sirius to James, in a particularly death-like fashion.
Sirius: Well... you see... we do a lot of marauding. Tons... of... marauding. Also marauding-like activities... er, done in a marauderly way. Very, er, tough work. Marauding. Not for civilians.
This reporter nods astutely, though she has no earthly idea what Messr. Black has been smoking.
MT: Now... can you define the “marauding” for us in layman’s terms? Some of our audience may not be familiar with... marauderly activities.
Sirius: HA! And they call themselves our fans! You know... “marauding”! Maraud... maraudered... marauderly...er, I maraud; you maraud; he, she, it marauds... marauderingly, marauderified, marauderification....
Remus: Maraud - to raid, to plunder. Verb. Therefore, a person who “marauds” is a “Marauder.” Now, we don’t really plunder and raid -
Peter: We don’t?
Remus: Erm, no, Peter. We don’t. It simply refers to our mischief-making pastimes and pseudo-dangerous attitudes.
Peter: And all this time...
This reporter notes that James pats Peter sympathetically on the shoulder.
James: There, there.
Sirius: Eh. Sooner or later, everyone finds out that they’re living a lie.
MT: Next question... does being a Marauder entail any responsibilities?
James: Only to the fans.
Remus: What fans?
Peter: I’ve never known about these fans.
Sirius: I’ll bet the Ministry is watching us, all clandestine-like. Yeah, I’ll bet they wrote a book about us that we don’t know about. They’ve probably released it all around the world. We’re probably celebrities... we just don’t know it.
Peter: What would the book be called?
James: Why, James Potter, of course!
This reporter notes that James makes jazz hands and flappy movements when revealing the title of his non-existent book.
James: No, no... it needs something... more. James Potter and the...
Peter: Conquest of Lily Evans?
James: Nah, that’s depressing. Oh, how about James Potter and the Chamber of Sexiness? That’d be my bedroom, you know.
Sirius: I like James Potter and the Right Bloody Wanker, personally.
James: Only if it were played by you, darling.
Sirius: More likely played by Snivellus.
Remus: There is no book. Can we please leave the hypotheticals for another time and place?
Sirius: Fine. But when you take a shower tonight, look around. The Ministry is watching you.
MT: Do you have a manifesto of some sort? Perhaps a code?
Peter: We have a map!
This reporter notes that James firmly elbows Peter in the ribs.
Peter: Oof! I mean, no. No map. Code, yes.
This reporter notes that James firmly elbows Peter in the ribs, again. Perhaps more forcefully.
Peter: OOF! Haha... what code? We have no code. We are codeless. Like chimpanzees.
This reporter notes that James, for the third time, elbows Peter firmly in the ribs. Poor boy.
Peter: OOF! WHAT?! We are like chimpanzees!
James: Well, it’s fun now.
Remus: Even chimpanzees have codes. I think you mean guidelines?
MT: Well, yes. Any sort of rules you follow... boundaries, limitations...
Remus: Wow. We are rather chimp-like. I can’t very well recall any.
James: Really anything’s fair game. Short of killing someone.
This reporter notices a Look exchanged among the Marauders. A sign? This reporter should do some investigative journalism. Too bad they don’t pay this reporter enough to do any investigative journalism.
MT: Hm... what about a motto? Peter: Well... we have...
This reporter notes that Peter eyes James’s elbow very suspiciously.
James: Go ahead, Pete.
Peter: We... solemnly swear... we are up to no... good.
MT: Well, that fits in with your Marauders image perfectly, doesn’t it?
Sirius: Everything we do is perfect.
MT: Have any of your exploits gotten you into trouble?
Sirius: Most definitely.
James: I’ve been chained to a ceiling. I think that was mostly a fetish of Filch’s though...
Remus: I’ve been punished... once.
Peter: I don’t think being banned from the library for a day really counts as punishment.
Remus: You would say that. My essay suffered terribly.
James: I’ve been chained to the wall, too. Though I’m not sure what that was for... Filch came out of nowhere with that one.
Sirius: He has a thing for bondage.
Peter: I’ve only really done detention. And that was Sirius’s fault.
Sirius: Don’t pin that on me! Everyone knows never to listen to me. What are you, headless?
James: I’ve been chained to the floor. That time was scary. I thought he was going to do something to me.
Remus: Even I know not to listen to Sirius. Except for in emergency situations.
Peter: Like what?
Remus: Well... I guess if you’re reading and Sirius comes up to you and yells, “RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! THERE’S A TROLL BEHIND YOU!”
Peter: So then...
Remus: Well, no, because he could be lying. You would have to wait and see if he would run himself.
Sirius: Ah, he knows me well.
James: Oh! There was that one time I was chained to a chair... that was when he brought out the whip.
MT: So some of your unconscionable acts have gotten you in trouble. Does the lack of conscience present itself in your subconscious? Perhaps in R.E.M.?
The reporter notes a silence, in which Messrs. Potter, Pettigrew, and Black simultaneously look at Messr. Lupin.
Remus: She wants to know if our unresolved guilt has made us have any odd dreams.
Peter: I’ve had a dream that I was in the common room... but I was naked. And everyone started laughing at me. Then I fell off a cliff.
James: I had a dream that I was chased by a clown. I was about to snog Evans when the thing came out of nowhere and I was running and running and running... and then I fell off a cliff.
Sirius: I once had a dream that I was disowned by my family. Then I remembered that it actually happened so I had some pudding. Then I fell off a cliff.
Remus: I had a dream where a boggart was hiding in my kitchen just as I was about to prepare a dish of coq au vin. Then I fell off a cliff. And I don’t even like coq au vin.
MT: How interesting. Clearly, your subconscious crying out for help. If your exploits caused you to leave town, where would you go?
Remus: Beijing. I hear it’s lovely this time of year.
MT: That’s interesting. Why those places?
James: It has its own flag. And it’s not even a country. That’s very bold. Gutsy folk, those Devonshirinians.
Remus: I’ve always wanted to experience the Peking Opera first hand.
Peter: They speak English in London.
James: They speak English in Devonshire.
Peter: If you say so.
Sirius: French girls are fit.
MT: If I asked each of you to make up a haiku about your adventures, what would it be?
Sirius: Drinking is so fun,
Dancing on tables is fun,
Did I mention fun?
James: You’re so expressive with your words, Sirius. It brings a tear to my eye.
Sirius: You should see me with limericks. They would slay you.
James: I guess it’s my turn now. Let’s see...
Marauders are sex.
We sweat sex from ev’ry pore.
Did I mention sex?
Sirius: You, sir, are a plagiarist.
James: I’m sorry.
Sirius: You’ll make it up to me.
James: Yes, Professor. Tonight if possible.
Sirius: Meet me on my desk.
MT: Messr. Lupin? Your turn.
Remus: My friends are ponces,
I don’t know how I got here.
What’s a man to do?
That leaves you, Peter.
Peter: Oh. Er... I’m not sure how to...
James: Just try.
Peter: Here it goes... er...
Remus is smart,
Sirius has looks for days,
James should buy a hat.
James: A hat?
Peter: I couldn’t think of anything!
MT: Okay, well, this was. . . different. Thank you for your time, boys. I’ll be back next week with audience questions!
Our First Interview!