Ask A Marauder
Our Fifth Interview
For this installment, this reporter brought the Marauders to a hospital at an unknown location. Speculation suggests Boston. It's always Boston. Or Seattle. This reporter notes several doctors, including an extremely rude cripple with a vicodin addiction, a rather chubby man who I vaguely recall from something regarding a prep school and a secret society, and some person with blindingly shiny hair that must have been hired by Pantene Pro-V. This reporter refers to him as "Doctor Vegemite".
MT: Bonjour, monsieurs!
Sirius: Hello there.
MT: Let's start, shall we? If you were all stuck on a deserted island with only each other and tons of spaghetti and Sirius had to be the cook because the rest of you had already chewed your hands off rather than make spaghetti, would you all die?
This reporter notes that the Marauders sit in stunned silence.
Remus: That's quite the... question.
MT: That's what it says.
Remus: Why is there only spaghetti? Wouldn't there be more, I don't know, coconuts?
Peter: I can make a lot of things with coconuts. Milk, for example.
Sirius: Besides, the only thing I can cook is bouillabaisse.
MT: Funny. Why that?
Sirius: I liked the name so I decided to learn how to cook it in order to tell people that the only thing I can cook is bouillabaisse and then have them ask why only bouillabaisse, so then I would have a quirky anecdote to tell them that I liked the name so I decided to learn how to cook it so that I could tell people that the only thing I can cook is bouillabaisse so that they would ask my why only bouillabaisse and--
Remus: We get the idea.
Sirius: Thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to go on forever.
This reporter notes that Messr. Potter is uncharacteristically silent.
MT: Next question. How do you take your tea?
Peter: I don't take tea at all.
Remus: Why not?
Peter: When I was younger, I thought the tea leaves looked too much like dirt.
Sirius: I take mine with everything. Sugar, milk, lemon...
Remus: That's not tea, that's diabetes in a teacup.
Peter: Well, lucky we're in a hospital then, eh?
This reporter notes that Messr. Black grins and rolls his eyes.
Remus: I take my tea with nothing.
MT: And coffee?
Remus: Nothing for that, either.
Sirius: Same here.
MT: Alright. Now, for Sirius, Peter, and Remus.
This reporter notes that Messr. Potter sighs with relief.
MT: What situation would force you to beat Messr. Potter to a grisly death with a fish?
Remus: With the way things are going right now, I'm not sure I wouldn't right now.
This reporter notes that Messr. Pettigrew looks down at his hands miserably.
MT: What do you mean?
Sirius: James, why don't you tell her?
This reporter notes that Messr. Potter glares daggers at Messr. Black.
James: Arrgh, ye scurvy cur!
This reporter notes that Messr. Potter quickly clasps a hand to his mouth. Messrs. Black and Lupin burst into unmanly giggles.
Remus: Talking like a pirate, yes.
James: Yarrgh! I swear on Davy Jones' locker I'll skin ye alive, ye yeller-bellied scoundrels! I'll swash yer buckles till kingdom come!
Sirius: He's a bloody awful pirate, though. "Swash your buckles"?
Remus: James, please swash my buckle!
This reporter notes that Messrs. Black and Lupin again collapse into laughter while Messr. Pettigrew continues to look at his hands.
MT: How did this happen?
James: I'll be blamin' Petey!
Sirius: And suddenly he's Irish!
MT: Peter? What did you do?
Peter: Well, it's not really my fault--
James: Yarrgh! Quit yer lyin', ye whoreson bilge rat, er I'll make ye walk the plank!
Peter: It's my fault. It's absolutely and completely my fault.
Sirius: You should've been better at Exploding Snaps.
Remus: And James here wouldn't be shivering his timbers!
This reporter notes that Messrs. Black and Lupin begin guffawing uncontrollably.
Peter: I lost a game of Exploding Snaps in the Great Hall and James said that I would have to insult the next person to walk by!
MT: Who walked by?
Peter: Professor Flitwick! So I went to a group of Ravenclaws--
Sirius: --Now this was truly, truly brilliant--
Peter: And I said, "What do you call Flitwick's wife when she's on her knees?"
Peter: Uh... el chupacabra!
Sirius: THE GOAT SUCKER!
This reporter notes that Messrs. Black and Lupin snort with laughter while Messr. Pettigrew grins sheepishly.
Remus: The Ravenclaws didn't take too kindly to this, so they put a potion in Peter's pumpkin juice.
James: Yarrgh, but this son of a biscuit eater has none of it!
Peter: I always give my pumpkin juice to James!
MT: Oh, goodness. Shall we move on, then?
Peter: Yes, please.
MT: So. If you could have a pet, what would it be?
Remus: A suppose a dog would be fine for me.
Sirius: A big, black dog.
Peter: Or a rat.
James: Or arrgh, perhaps a stag.
Remus: No, I think I want a kitten.
Sirius: Ick! Disgusting!
Peter: Cats are terrifying!
James: Are ye three sheets t'the wind, ye land lubber?
Remus: Or maybe an owl.
Peter: Named Rufus!
James: Billions o' blue blisterin' barnacles! What kind a name is that, ye wench?
Peter: I'm your... wench?
James: Ye ought t'be namin' yer owl somethin' respectable, like Dread Pirate Roberts! Savvy?
MT: What pet would you have, Messr. Potter? What would you name it?
This reporter notes that Messr. Potter buries his face in his hands.
Sirius: Didn't catch that, mate, sorry.
This reporter notes that Messr. Potter looks up and glares pointedly.
James: I'd be havin' a... a...
James: A parrot.
Remus: Named...? Pernie? Perry? Penny?
Remus: Weren't expecting that one, were we?
Sirius: Definitely not.
Peter: Wasn't expecting the sun to rise in the East this morning either, but it always surprises me!
MT: Okay, now, last question. What are your new year's resolutions?
Peter: Get better at Exploding Snaps!
James: Blow me down!
Remus: Would he blow you down before or after you shiver his timbers and swash his buckle?
Remus: I suppose that means before. I, for one, am going to try to get through a week of Potions without melting a cauldron.
Sirius: Baby steps, Moony.
Remus: A day?
Peter: That's still very ambitious.
Remus: I'll try to have it melt on Slytherins, then.
Sirius: Good show!
Peter: Well done!
Sirius: I will properly furnish my own apartment with blatant disregard for what may or may not be deemed "proper art."
Remus: That's just an excuse to hang up inappropriate pictures, isn't it?
Sirius: Art, Moony. Art.
MT: Messr. Potter?
James: Arrgh, I'd be resolvin' t'win the heart a me buxom beauty, Lily Evans!
Peter: This year too?
James: Avast, ye scalawag!
MT: Thank you again! Always a pleasure. Keep sending in those questions, audience!