hi, my name is slim shadey (xmindthegapx) wrote in askamarauder,
hi, my name is slim shadey
xmindthegapx
askamarauder

Deboed from the desk of Murderous Tea...

Okay, so apparently, "Messr." is not an actual word, and the only way it can be used is as "Messrs."--the plural form of "Mr."

I didn't know that.

But now that I do, I don't really have the heart to tell Murderous Tea. Poor dear. 

And remember: All questions here!

 Ask A Marauder
Our Fourth Interview

This reporter brought the Marauders to an undisclosed location for the following interview.

Peter: Hey! We're in the basement of Honeyduke's!

Never mind.

MT: Hello, again!

Sirius: She's alive!

James: Wotcher.

MT: Let's get right to it, shall we? First question. What is your favorite scent?

Sirius: The smell of defeat.

MT: Your own or someone else's?

Sirius: My own.

MT: You're being sarcastic.

Sirius: How good of you to notice.

MT: What does defeat smell like, exactly?

Sirius: Well, for me, it's sort of an oaky, wooden smell. It smells... red.

MT: I'm not sure if oakwood is red. Cherry is, though.

Sirius: Do you always come back from vacation ready to argue? If I say it smells red, then it does.

MT: All right, then. Messr. Potter? What about you?

James: The smell of defeat suits me perfectly. Though for me, it smells more like Evans.

MT: Your girlfriend smells like defeat?

Peter: I thought she had told James to sod off! Why didn't you tell me she was your girlfriend?

This reporter notes that Messrs. Lupin and Black snort loudly while Messr Potter flushes pink.

MT: No need to explain. Moving on. Messr. Lupin?

Remus: Chanel No. 5. None of that gallant, victorious, non-existant defeat for me.

MT: And Messr Pettigrew?

Peter: No scent in particular, but nothing beats the smell of baclava!

James: Here, here!

Sirius: Agreed.

This reporter notes that Messr Lupin lowers his head and shakes it morosely.

MT: Next question. Do you know of the stereotypes given to you by your fans? If so, what are your opinions of them?

Remus: Like what?

Peter: I'm beginning to be very suspicious of these fans. Will they cool me off on a hot summer's night? I think not.

Remus: Since when are there hot summer nights in England?

Peter: Well, there would have to be. Otherwise, why would Shakespeare have written that play?

Remus: That was Midsummer's Night, Pete.

Peter: Oh. Hot Summer's Night Dream sounds better.

James: It sounds like the name of a--

Remus: Tell us more about these stereotypes, won't you?

MT: Well, I would if I knew what they were talking about.

Sirius: Then that answers the first part, doesn't it? No, we don't know.

MT: Oh, wait! I believe there is something about Messr Pettigrew being a raving idiot, Messr Potter being a bigoted ninny, Messr Black being a dashingly handsome--

Sirius: Hear that? I'm dashingly handsome.

MT: --a dashingly handsome brutish jerk--

Sirius: Oh.

MT: --and Messr Lupin being a bookish crybaby.

This reporter notes that Messrs Black, Lupin, Potter, and Pettigrew all look at each other with the utmost shock and displeasure.

Sirius: I don't think I very well trust these fans either.

This reporter notes a general murmur of agreement.

Remus: They seem rather masochistic.

MT: Of course, I could be wrong. Moving on. Did any of you have pets growing up? What were they like and named and where are they now?

James: I got an owl when I was ten.

Sirius: Vespucci!

MT: Bless you.

Remus: No, no. Vespucci is the name of James's owl.

James: Amerigo Vespucci, to be exact.

Peter: But we only named him in second year.

Sirius: Before that, we just screamed, "Hey, fatty!" at him.

Remus: He's lost weight since then.

MT: Amerigo... Vespucci? Why that name?

Remus: After the famous wizard, of course.

MT: Sorry, no, he was a muggle explorer who traveled to the Americas.

Remus: How do you think he got there?

MT: No! With magic?

Sirius: You're a bit slow, I reckon.

MT: Okay. So James had an owl named Vespucci. And the rest of you?

Sirius: No pets for me. Well, except for house elves at the Most Noble and Idiotic House of Black. But those aren't really pets.

Peter: Mmm... you can't really pet them.

Sirius: I tried when I was seven. I got bitten. Nasty buggers, those house elves. If you can't pet it, it's not a pet.

Peter: Unlike my toad.

MT: Your toad?

Peter: Well, he ran away when I was five. His name was Merril.

James: Ran away?

Peter: Yes, he joined a toad circus. I came back from my grandparents' house one summer and mum was looking really shifty, right? So I asked her what had happened, and she told me that over the weekend, she had a discussion with Merril and he told her that he wanted to become a toad-crobat. So one night, he ran away to the toad circus. I was heartbroken.

Sirius: Pete, I don't think--

This reporter notes that Messr Lupin grabs Messr Black's shoulder and gives him a Look. Messr Black promptly shuts his trap.

Remus: So then I suppose I am the only one who's never had a pet. Or... house elf.

MT: All right, then! Last question.

James: Already?

Sirius: I was beginning to get fond of you!

James: What shall we do without you?

Sirius: Oh, woe!

James: We'll fling ourselves out into the streets!

Sirius: We'll wander corridors, weeping hopelessly!

James: We'll pledge our undying love for you under a maple tree!

Sirius: We'll sacrifice a virgin in an extremely complicated ritual at your doorstep!

James: We'll even use Remus as that virgin!

Remus: What?

MT: You have to be at a Potions exam, don't you?

Sirius: Damn. How'd you know?

MT: Calling me "slow" made me question your undying love a bit.

James: Good job, Pads.

MT: Okay. The last question: Say there's a rattlesnake at your door, a shark outside your window--it's in a tank so it's still alive and dangerous--and a scorpion on your telephone, what do you do, WHAT DO YOU DO?

Remus: Ask the Marauders what to do, apparently.

James: Is there a fireplace?

MT: It doesn't say.

James: Floo powder would work.

MT: What if they didn't have any? Or there's no fireplace?

Sirius: These fans certainly don't have common sense. Use magic, obviously!

Remus: This person could be a Squib. Or underage.

Sirius: Why does being underage matter?

Remus: The Ministry, Sirius.

Sirius: Oh, of course! I totally forgot. The Ministry. We must always obey the Ministry. The Ministry is only looking out for our interests and we must listen to whatever they say! War is peace!

Remus: That's quite enough. I let him read one muggle book and this is what happens. He's never trusted authority since.

MT: Back to the question, please!

Remus: Couldn't this person just step over the snake and walk out?

Peter: Or grab something and punch a hole through the roof, then climb out?

James: Or stare down the shark and climb out the window?

Sirius: And scorpions are very docile creatures. She could just brush the scorpion off, pick up the telephone, and use it to beat the shark to death.

MT: Couldn't she use the telephone to call for help?

This reporter notes that all the Marauders snigger.

Peter: As if those muggle contraptions actually work!

MT: You're right. Silly me. Well, that's all. Thanks for your time! Keep sending in questions, audience!
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