For this installment, I brought the Marauders to a cozy little café in an undisclosed location (for their own safety, of course). I thought the relaxed air in the café and smell of coffee wafting through the air might ease them into the transition of being interviewed by someone new. I thought wrong.
Sirius: Who the hell are you?
Peter: Where’s Murderous Tea?
She’s off on an island somewhere getting some much-needed rest and relaxation. Gorgeous place, judging by her postcard.
James: So you didn’t, er, kill her or anything?
There is an eerie pause.
Remus: Erm, well, who’re you?
Fuchsia Barrington, Esquire.
Remus looks confused for a moment, then perks up.
The other three Marauders look at him strangely.
Remus: Never mind.
Okay, question time. This reader wants to know if the rumours about Remus are true.
Remus: What rumours?
Er, none were specified.
Sirius: How about the one that says that he has an eleventh toe?
Peter: Or that he has a badly behaved rabbit?
James: Or that he’s a raving homosexual?
There is an awkward silence in which Remus and Sirius look at each other wide-eyed for a moment. Peter coughs noisily.
Actually, another reader says that she has heard that Remus had a twin brother named Romulus. Is this true?
Remus: It is for another Remus.
Sirius: Can we move on to a different question, please?
Right. Approached with the most evil of sewing scissors, what would be your first reaction?
Peter: Uh, run?
James: It depends. Are they pinking shears?
I don’t think so.
James: Then I’d stand my ground and fight the sewing scissors of doom like a man. And laugh as Pete goes running.
Sirius: Are you both daft? We’ve got wands.
Remus: Thank you. I would have gotten an ulcer if you hadn’t brought that up.
Sirius: You’re very welcome.
Moving swiftly on: this fan wants to know who had the first moustache.
Remus: None of us have had moustaches.
Sirius: None of us have had a proud and dignified moustache. James had an odd bit of hair above his lip one time—
James turns bright red and begins sputtering.
James: SIRIUS! I thought we agreed never to speak of that again.
Sirius: Oh. Sorry, mate. Forget I said anything.
Oh, no. You’re not going to get out of it that easily. James, don’t you want your fans to know?
James: Not really.
Well, they need to know. Spill.
James: Fine, fine. In third year I went through this Dumbledore-worshipping phase.
James: Of course. By that time I was already in love with Lily, and she liked Dumbledore a lot, too. I put two and two together, and, well…
James: I found this old book in the library about hair growth spells. So I tried to grow a Dumbledore beard.
Sirius: (laughs) Oh, memories.
James: Anyway, it obviously backfired.
Peter: It looked like he had a tiny mole under his nose.
James: Cheers, Pete.
Sirius: It was hilarious.
Remus: And mildly disturbing.
Here we have an advice question. This fan wants to know if she should have a roommate that is never around or a roommate that is kind of controlling, but is a friend. Which would you pick?
Sirius: Well, not having to share a room is good.
James: Yeah, but what if she came in all distraught-like and needed to talk to someone?
Remus: What if she didn’t need to talk to anyone? What if she wanted to be alone? And being controlled is never good.
James: Well, grow some bollocks and don’t be controlled! You are the only one in control of you.
Peter: I agree with James. Being alone is annoying. Without a roommate you'll have too much time on your hands so you'll procrastinate and make excuses instead of doing work. And by putting off everything else, you'll eventually find yourself passed out on the floor of your closet with potions assignments in one hand and Drooble's Best Blowing Gum stuck to the other. And you think, "How'd that get there?" but come up with nothing. Then you'll find out you've sat on your wand and it's snapped so you'll have to cut off your hand to get it off.
James: Er, Pete? Why would you have to cut off your hand?
Peter: No reason. I just thought it sounded epic.
Remus: I guess it all really depends on what kind of person she is. If she really depends on her friends for comfort and happiness, then go with the friend. If she is comfortable and likes being by herself, go with the never-there roommate.
Thanks for your time, boys. Audience, keep sending in those questions! Thanks!